Oh, how I wish you were here now.
You were taken from me before I got the chance to know you. We were both so little, especially you.
Mom talks about you when we were toddlers, but I don’t remember much, only us playing with those giant Lego-style blocks in the room we shared.
The morning light streamed in as I pulled you out of the crib and played.
So much has happened to me since you left, both awesome and awful. And I wish I could tell you about all of them.
I miss and mourn for what we could’ve had.
Certain sibling things often stir up undealt emotions, like tsunamis crashing into a city.
When a friend discusses a younger brother. When I see someone else has lost a sibling on a show or movie. When Mom talks about you.
Or when our older half-sister became another half-brother.
At first, I couldn’t figure out why that made me upset. I’ve always supported someone being who they are.
But then it hit me.
I hadn’t properly mourned you, despite only being four when everything happened and remembering nothing.
And had hung onto having at least one sister with a deeply-seeded need. Like a security blanket. For years. Without knowing it.
Then I learned I was looking for that sister connection within female friends, disappointment flooding me when it didn’t happen.
Over and over again.
However, I am trying to release that dream.
You can never be replaced, and I have to let you go. To find peace within myself. Because I need it.
And I’m pretty sure you’d tell me to move forward.
Of course, I will never forget about you. I don’t want to. I will always hold you in my heart.
Smile when I see an item that belongs to you. Laugh when Mom mentions your personality and quirks. And shed tears on your birthday.
I suppose it’s time to say goodbye to you now. And hello to something new.
So goodbye, Sister.
I love and miss you.
And I know we will see each other again one day.
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Originally published at https://vocal.media.