Dear Sister

Dear Sister,

Oh, how I wish you were here now.

You were taken from me before I got the chance to know you. We were both so little, especially you.

Mom talks about you when we were toddlers, but I don’t remember much, only us playing with those giant Lego-style blocks in the room we shared.

The morning light streamed in as I pulled you out of the crib and played.

So much has happened to me since you left, both awesome and awful. And I wish I could tell you about all of them.

I miss and mourn for what we could’ve had.

Certain sibling things often stir up undealt emotions, like tsunamis crashing into a city.

When a friend discusses a younger brother. When I see someone else has lost a sibling on a show or movie. When Mom talks about you.

Or when our older half-sister became another half-brother.

At first, I couldn’t figure out why that made me upset. I’ve always supported someone being who they are.

But then it hit me.

I hadn’t properly mourned you, despite only being four when everything happened and remembering nothing.

And had hung onto having at least one sister with a deeply-seeded need. Like a security blanket. For years. Without knowing it.

Then I learned I was looking for that sister connection within female friends, disappointment flooding me when it didn’t happen.

Over and over again.

However, I am trying to release that dream.

You can never be replaced, and I have to let you go. To find peace within myself. Because I need it.

And I’m pretty sure you’d tell me to move forward.

Of course, I will never forget about you. I don’t want to. I will always hold you in my heart.

Smile when I see an item that belongs to you. Laugh when Mom mentions your personality and quirks. And shed tears on your birthday.

I suppose it’s time to say goodbye to you now. And hello to something new.

So goodbye, Sister.

I love and miss you.

And I know we will see each other again one day.

Love me

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